Owned Read online

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  From: Kalia Eshel [[email protected]]

  To: Zara Harsono [[email protected]]

  Date: Mon, Jan 23, 2012 at 4:17 AM

  Subject: RE: Rape Me (Nirvana Song)

  Hey Zara,

  I know exactly what you mean about orgasms feeling like a betrayal, like your body is betraying you, like when sex with someone you don’t even like actually felt good. Oh God it’s such a mess.

  I have chosen to be celibate too at the moment (high five!)—for I need to get in touch with my emotions and reality, before I can be sexual again. . .

  And people who think rape is trivial obviously have no knowledge of what it entails. I get it. There are people who are tired of girls who cry “rape” (never mind the men who have been molested and raped—they DEFINITELY can’t talk about it because it’s just...“improper” along with the close-minded view of “how is it possible for a man to be raped?”)...these people. Good Grief, please, they need to take a chill pill and think about the implications of such thoughts and how much damage that does to society.

  I’m not sorry to disagree on the point that rape is trivial. Real rape is, in itself, often harmful to the victim, be it male or female. PTSD, STDs, or unwanted pregnancy are just a few examples. I mean, if rape was “trivial” and allowed, every person “of age” is going to technically be available at all times to, say, a fat hairy 50-year-old wanting to hold them down and making you eat them out. Every person “of age” is going to technically be available at all times to every friend, acquaintance, etc that wants to have sex with them.

  Anyone who has to get their means or get ahead through oppression is not going to stay at the top for long. It is not brute force but character that keeps a person ON TOP.

  I have met people (online, thankfully, for their sake) who blame us victims for whining about what we went through. They blame us for not accepting our unfortunate fate and getting on with our lives. It is not enough to feel defected or used as a victim. After that, you are made to feel bad for constantly dwelling on the traumatic event and “defining our entire lives by a single bad experience.” They want to show us that we’re dumb whores for thinking we can stand up to our abusers. Fuck that shit, they want to show us we’re dumb whores for the mere act of THINKING for OURSELVES!

  Damien’s playing (or played) mind games with you, dear! He treats your heart like a football. That alone is reason enough for him to die.

  Kalia xoxo

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  From: Zara Harsono [[email protected]]

  To: Kalia Eshel [[email protected]]

  Date: Wed, Jan 25, 2012 at 1:24 AM

  Subject: Anger

  Kalia:

  yeah i guess you’re right...i did want Damien “to die” at many points...but i thought i had channeled all the hurt/pain/anger/grief into fantasizing about the ordeal (in order to “deal with it”, as you so cleverly noticed/said)...

  yes, now that you mentioned it, if i stopped to actually think about it, i DO think he is capable of killing me (and maybe my family members...but more likely me) if he found out i told you about this. i’m just at a point where i don’t really care anymore.

  i feel like it wasn’t him but me that is pathetic—that i enjoy(ed) being submissive—it’s like i am connected to my abuser...i know it sounds really dramatic and senseless but what do i do?

  for a long time i’ve not had romantic feelings about him though...just like a distant “sexual memory” that i can’t wipe out no matter how hard i try :(

  it is not the humiliation of being raped that bugs me, but the humiliation of bleeding my heart dry for such a person. i feel that that suffering can only be over if he’s really dead, yes.

  also i sometimes do get nightmares about him climbing into my room through an open window here (even though i’ve always slept with all the windows closed, doors locked, since this happened)...but you learn to just live with it.

  if i could, i would love to shatter his heart too just like he has mine over all these years...to watch our friendship go to dust because of a sexual...thing that was never meant to be...we’re both gonna destroy each other...one way or another one of us is going to drag the other down (that’s what i’ve thought)...i haven’t contacted him (just once, no reply though) since he raped me...before that we could sometimes have months of no contact...then when we’d have a bit of online cnotact there’d still be some...zing or attraction or wathever.

  i will tell you what i wrote to him since it happeend (will include at end of email).

  i need to exterminate whatever romance or nonsesne we had in the past...due to his issues, Damien can’t accept unconditional love (if i had to sum it up in one line, that’s what i’d say, from the decade of knowing him)…and i cannot accept his lack of a conscience...my lack of pride and dignity for myself if i don’t destroy him...his non-repentance for ANYTHING he’s done.

  when i think about it, and strip off the smooth-talking exterior, he’s really a cruel, weak, rude, pathetic person that truly deserves to DIE...i hesitate to even call him a person at this point...wish he’d just die already...perhaps the most humiliating of the entire thing was the beginning when he hit me on the face out of anger...and the end, when i realized i did not hate the whole ordeal entirely (= more self-loathing)…

  the whole attitude i got from him was: “you’re just a whore anyway, like all the others…stop being disrespectful to me”…his attitude about himself would be “it’s different, i’m just being a man…you should learn how to be a lady”…this is a classic friends with benefits gone wrong...coz all he wanted was a bang…and all i wanted was something to match what i gave (everything)…

  when he first broke up with me, just before i left for the U.S., i sent him this long detailed note…a sweet note explaining everything, how we spoke about the same love that others can only dream of…

  his only replies were, “i’ve moved on” and “i’ve nothing else to say”…his entire existence was a lie. he had me believe he was this PERFECT man which he’s not—who the fuck was i with all along?! how could i give everything that i was and had for a person who was absolute NOTHINGNESS. all the sex that i thought was real love—real love, my ass—this fucktard has zero conscience…he can make love to you without being in love with you at all…what did i do to get so enamored by a useless bumfuck such as this.

  i wish he’d just DIE ALREADY…my God everyday i walk around and all i can think about is how i wanna watch him bleed dry…slice his wrists or smth and just watch.him. bleed like how he has made me bleed all this while…i was just there for his games and entertainment—GAMES!!!!!

  nobody understands that my identity is so linked with his, that the only way to break free is for him to die in order for me to move on completely...

  as a result of him, he’s cost me some of the best and most energetic years of my life...i mean i’ve spent it pretty messed up (internally)...looking for love in all the worng places :(...

  it’s impossible to fill you in on everything that happened between us, but even while i was here, he’s hinted at marriage or whatever in between his relationships...we did meet a few times to have sex when i was visiting SG too (before the non-consensual rape one)...i tried so hard to be what i thought he wanted (chaste first, then adventurous, then promiscuous...a reflection of his own self)...but it was ridiculous to continue that way.

  i too wonder how many other ppl he has hurt and used? :(

  p.s. this is the only thing i said to him since the rape. i sent it to him via SNAIL MAIL to his last address that i have because i wanted him to receive it TANGIBLY (i signed it off with my name too). of course i don’t know if he ever received it since i didn’t do a delivery confirmation or whatever, but this is the poem i sent:

  I know you, though I wish I didn’t

  I hate the sight

  of your repulsive face

  and only till you fall from grace

  will the brutalities

&n
bsp; you live to inflict

  cease.

  People like you

  ought to be annihilated

  I have no wish except to see you

  dead & buried.

  I hate the sight of you;

  I just hate you.

  – zara. (written on 17 Oct 2011; his b’day)

  =====

  From: Kalia Eshel [[email protected]]

  To: Zara Harsono [[email protected]]

  Date: Sun, Jan 29, 2012 at 1:17 AM

  Subject: RE: Anger

  Hello Zara,

  Don’t worry about Damien’s attitude. A real lady is no match for a man who doesn’t treat her like one…

  I know what he’s doing to his cousin (if what he says is true) is terrible and deplorable, but YOU also have to look out for URSELF.

  I’ll tell you something—I’ve always wanted to kill a man (just to know what it’s like). My first choice was my stepfather but by the time I got down to really planning it, God/Fate stepped in first and made him die in a car crash.

  Everything you wrote makes me so excited about the prospect of killing someone...it could even be my ultimate purpose in my life (how would I know unless I try it out first??!)...to be this faceless, unknown vigilante working for rape victims seeking justice.

  The law does not do enough for us. Rapists aren’t always severely punished. In some cases, they even go to trial and WALK AWAY FREE.

  I wanna do it, because I can envision myself being so elated and happy to admit that yes, I permanently got rid of this piece of trash…I fantasize stalking a known rapist...it’d be even better if they were drunk, they’d be easier to kill. I’d knock him out, tie him to a tree, and BURN his body…yep…old school style…sending an arrow through his heart would be pretty cool/hardcore too…the method of murder is not the hardcore part...it’s the motive behind it!!

  And I want to do this out of love + friendship + loyalty to you too...not in the “relationship love” type of sense (love is not just only in relationship context)...but I dunno. I guess I feel some kind of a sisterly bond with you after you poured your heart out...we both went through a lot of shit...I cannot stand to see how you were manipulated for so many years...it is time to fight back.

  I’ve been thinking about doing this for a long time and I finally feel ready to put it into action.

  In all seriousness, I guess I have this to ask of you, Zara:

  Do I have your permission to kill Damien?

  Kalia xoxo

  --

  Sent from my Android phone with mail.com. Please excuse my brevity.

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